Talking to your child about court and other difficult subjects.
What to do if a child is refusing to see a parent.
Through personal experience, unless you try and have a discussion with your son/daughter about how this process works, this could snowball in a way you will wish never happened. There is great importance in letting the court process play out by allowing the child to meet the other parent in a supervised environment.
Many parents talk about how making the child who is refusing to meet the other parent would be breaking their trust. It is important to sit and tell him/her that courts have authority over what happens and that you as a parent have no say once it is in the courtroom. Tell them to refuse to do as they direct you to do would be like telling a policeman that you will not do as you are told. It is breaking the law.
I always recommend doing a family tree and putting all the family on it and show him/her how he/ she is related to this person. Let him/her know it isn't about your relationship with this other parent, this is about him/her, knowing the person whose DNA he/she carries.
Ask him/her if he/she had a magic wand what would she change to make this person someone he/she would like to meet? What makes him/her not want to know this person.
Children can be persuaded by saying things such as if you go and see him/her just to see how you feel then you can start to make informed decisions. They won't start this in an unsupervised environment and he/she would not be alone with this relative stranger.
Talk to him/her about how he/she might get two lots of Christmas and birthday presents. Also, about cousins, she doesn't know who may be really nice.
If you do the family tree you can use that as evidence to show that you are doing positive work with the child and that will put an end to any idea that you are alienating the child from the other parent.
If the other parent is sending letters and cards, but the child is refusing to read them, you as the parent must take charge. When the letter comes, read parts of it. try and choose bits that make seeing him be fun. Talk positively about how this could be a really good experience to know this person.
Often something bad has gone on between the parent with care and the estranged parent which can have adverse effects on how the child views this other parent. It is important not to allow your own experiences to not cloud the view of the child's view of this other person.
Being accused of parental alienation is a frightening thing, as it can come to frightening conclusions where the child can be removed from the parent with care who has loved and cared for the child for years, suddenly this person comes along out of the blue and can uproot everything. It doesn't have to come to this if you allow the process to play out.
If a parent who has not been in the child's life has been abusive towards the child it can be a very frightening time, but the court cannot see the facts if you as a parent will not allow the process to happen where the social worker in a supervised environment can record the child's reactions without you around. As frightening this is, it has to happen so that the court can make a decision. If you as a parent cannot override the maternal or paternal feelings that arise in you when the thought of this child seeing the person who has harmed them, then the courts can make some very damaging decisions, even worse than those that your child will have to experience by facing this other parent in a supervised environment.
Using the court to sort out parental problems and why good communication with the other parent is the key to success and is so much better for the child.
Using the court to sort problems out for your children is rarely the best way to go.
The best way would be to try to work with the other parent. The reason parents end up in court is that they cannot work things out and cannot put the child's needs before their own anger towards the other parent.
When you go to court you are relinquishing your control of the situation to the judge and professionals and asking them to work it out for you.
Once the judge's decision becomes an order then it becomes a routine for the child that in time your child might accept. You need to be asking to communicate with the other parent.
we recommend the use of a co-parenting app www.appclose.com
Most of us parents have had to force our children into situations they don't want. Most hate school at first but they eventually come to terms with the way things are. If you can devise a plan that works with the other parent, then you can work out what best works for the child.
Once in court, where a judge is telling you what you must do, it is pointless at this point to say you cannot do that. The judge asking you to do certain things is a part of the process to see what works and what doesn't. They have to see what can be done to work out what the final order will be. The more you try and work with the other parent and discuss the anxiety of the child with him and find a way that works better for the child the better the outcome for the child
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A Child’s Preferences About Custody
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Can a child have direct access to the judge.?
When parents break up, they don't always agree on who will have custody of the children. Sometimes the children have an opinion about how much time they want to spend with each parent. Or they might not want to see one parent at all. Should a child's preferences about custody be considered?
Parents and the Child's Opinion
Once a child is old enough, she can give her opinion about how much time she wants to spend with each parent. For example, the child might have one of these opinions:
She wants to live with only one parent.
She never wants to see one of her parents again.
She is uncomfortable with the judge's decision or a custody agreement that says how much time she must spend with each parent.
The parents don't have to do what a child wants or says, but they must act in her best interests.
When deciding how to react to a child's opinion, it can be a good idea for parents to consider these factors:
her age
the reason for the opinion
A child's opinion is sometimes based on these factors:
how she feels at the moment
changes in her life or a reaction to something, like being punished by the other parent
the influence of the other parent
a valid reason
A child's opinion can be a reaction to problems the parents are having. The law and the courts say that a parent must, as a general rule
encourage the child to spend time with the other parent,
avoid asking the child to choose between the parents, and
not let the child believe that the custody decision is totally up to her.
Once the parents know about the child's preferences, if they can't agree on who should have custody, they have several options, including the following:
ask an expert, such as a psychologist, mediator or social worker, to help them reach a custody agreement
go to court and ask a judge to decide
The Judge and the Child's Opinion
The parents can ask a judge to decide how much time the child will spend with each of them.
If the child has something to say about how much time she wants to spend with each parent, she has the right to give her opinion. The judge must let the child speak.
There are different ways to learn the child's opinion:
The child's lawyer can speak for her.
The child can testify (speak) in front of a judge, with her parents present.
The child can testify in front of a judge, without her parents present.
The child can talk to the judge outside the courtroom, for example, in the judge's office.
An expert can help identify what the child wants.
If the child testifies in front of a judge, someone can be with her to help or reassure her.
Weight Given to a Child's Opinion: Age and Maturity Are Factors
The judge considers a child's opinion when deciding how much time the child will spend with each parent. However, the judge doesn't have to do what the child asks: the judge's obligation is to act in the child's best interest.
The older and more mature the child, the more weight the judge will give to the child's opinion.
CHILD'S AGEIMPORTANCE OF CHILD'S OPINION very youngThe child's opinion can be considered but is not normally given much weight. The adults decide.8 to 11 years The child's opinion is carefully considered.12 years and over
The child's opinion plays a very big role.
Judges usually go along with how much time teenagers ask to spend with each parent. But there are exceptions.
Other Parent's Influence Over the Child
Sometimes one parent (or both of them) will try in various ways to manipulate or influence a child regarding custody. For example, one parent might try to convince the child to live only with him and get her to say this is what she wants.
In extreme cases, "parental alienation syndrome" might occur. This means that one parent tries to destroy the image of the other parent in the child's eyes, with the goal of separating or even eliminating that parent from the child's life. This kind of behaviour has a serious impact on the child, who doesn't know who to be loyal to and might end up with a negative attitude toward the other parent.
Luckily, these types of cases are rare. But a parent might try to manipulate a child in other ways:
by making endless promises to the child
by showering the child with gifts and constantly taking her places for no particular reason
by making negative comments about or criticizing the other parent
If one parent manipulates the child, the other parent can talk it over with him to explain how it goes against the child's best interests. In more serious cases, the other parent can also take one of these steps:
send a demand letter to the parent who is manipulating the child, asking him to stop
ask for an expert opinion to shed light on the situation
explain the situation to a judge
ask a judge to order the parent to stop criticizing her in front of the child
ask a judge to order supervision when the parent is with the child
ask a judge to let her spend more time with the child to protect her from the other parent's manipulation
A judge who hears testimony from a child who has been manipulated doesn't have to consider the child's testimony.